I am of The Way

If I Could Invent Anything

2010-10-14T07:23:00.001-07:00

I can't organize my thoughts let alone my classes X(

Southland Paper mill, Kraft (chemical) pulp used in making newsprint, Lufkin, Texas (LOC)

I would invent something that took all of my syllabi from all of my classes and combined them on a neatly labeled calender so I could manage my deadlines and assignments for once in my life.

My Job

2009-12-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or is working in a place you hate pretty freakin' unbearable (of course it is! what am i saying?!) ? I have been working for a year at this place and we recently had the pleasure of attaining a new head manager. He is the biggest pain in the ass. He lies compulsively, he treats some people with favoritism, he gets in your face about the things you've done wrong and won't shut his face until there is an actual solution right in froint of him! This is the most stressful and irritating thing about him. He'll complain about my drawer being short. I try to explain to him that I don't know where the problem is and that I have trying to be very careful with my drawer but I am not the only one that touches those drawers so he can't put the blame on me alone. He complains about how I baked the muffins. It's as simple a topic as just asking what went wrong, appologizing and letting him know that you will try to make sure things turn out right next time. Unfortunately it is not as simple when it comes to this D-bag. I spoke with another worker and she explained to me that he just enjoys the sound of his own voice (ha ha too true). I believe he has a personal vendetta against me. There are these reports we are supposed to print out at the end of every day and this GUY insists that I have been doing them incorrectly. It is as simple as pressing not 2 but 1, 1 button to attain what he demands of me! How the hell could I get that wrong!?!? See, (yes i realize i am ranting) it's not that I did anything wrong. It's that HE made a mistake. He lost the slip with the information he needed and decided he'd be better off blaming and screwing with me. Ok enough b*tching. I just needed to get that out of my system. Positive side? At least I have a job with a steady income. I have my health and a working car. I also have an associate's so the moment I find another better paying job I can bounce and be all the happier for it. Yay! Let's just try to stay in the positive :) .....before I break down and set my mananger's car on fire :) (I'm kidding, don't report me. ha ha)

miscellaneous

2009-12-21T08:33:00.000-08:00

What do I want to write about? I don't really see the point of this blog anymore. I rarely write in it. There are plenty of things I would like to write about but for some reason I just don't feel right about typing it. I could always talk about the latest book I've been reading, how much I hate my job, how desperately I am ready to move out of mumsy's house and move to FL. That is my dream state even if things are better here financially or job-wise. That I could go on about for hours. I just need to type right now. Do something with myself other than READ. Great, now I'm tempted to read (ha ha). Oh, I know what I want to talk about. The 20th of november at 2 something in the morning, a friend of mine tried to O.D. She told me it was over some stupid fight with her older brother. Apparently she didn't get along with someone at work and her brother took the other person's side. This person he has never met, he just thought he understood the situation and didn't side with his sister. They ended having a big argument about something as pointless as that and her brother demanded that she take him home. That really upset my friend because she needed her brother. She's usually stuck at home alone or at work and her brother was one of the few people she got along with that closely. When he threatened to leave she wouldn't let him. She told him off and just went to bed. Actually she took like 30 pills and then went to bed. She told it was like drowning in her sleep. That's so horrible. She told me that she lied there and she spoke out loud or prayed in her mind (she doesn't remember which she did) to God that she was scared and that she didn't want to die. She didn't go to the hospital, she just woke up the next day. 30 pills and she is still alive. Is that amazing or what?! She's feeling alot better now and she's been coping with her strong emotions. I think God must have a huge or important role for her to play if she was pulled from the gates of death like that. She just really wishes she knew what her purpose was because this whole wanting to die and holding only indifference for her own life is just too much to have to put up with. I really wish there was something I could do or say to help her but at least she was willing to talk to me about that whole situation.

Applebees would make a decent Thanksgiving dinner

2009-11-24T20:48:00.001-08:00

Yum Shrimp

I'd get the strawberry daiquiri with the brocolli and shrimp pasta alfredo bowl...or whatever it's called

Check out my magic tree

2009-10-17T11:20:00.001-07:00

If there was anything I'd want to grow I think it'd be best if it were actually anything.

Money!

My tree will grow anything I plant between its roots (kinda cheating ha ha). If I want puppies...that's kind of awful (ha ha), if I want money I can plant a hundred dollar bill betweens the tree's roots and tada! I have a tree load of hundreds. And so on (ha ha way to beat the system, am I right?)

Fires are not ok man, not ok

2009-10-17T11:11:00.001-07:00

It seems to me that being caught in a fire would be the closest thing to hell. Pain, in general, obviously sucks but being burned is a totally different case. When you're burned your body automatically draws back from the heat. And I don't know about most people but it always feels like such a shock to be burned no matter how many times it happens. Pinch me, punch me, pull my hair and i'll get pissed, but burn me and i'll cry. :'-(

If Drinking coffee was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

2009-09-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

It'd be helpful world-wide. Everyone drinks coffee, it's what gets us through the day! Losing weight would at least make up for how jittery coffee makes me feel and i wouldn't have to feel so guilty when I drink too much in one day.

I'm bringing my three cousins/besties on my dream vacation

2009-09-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

I love these girls, they are the best people ever! The only problem is I'm not sure if the three of them will get along as a group :/

Lisy
I'd want it to be a girl's day out sort of thing and Lisy is one of my best friends, she gets my sense of humor, she helps me with clothes and make up (she's girly, i'm not...and she's not afraid to tell me when i look horrible in something :P), and I just love her to death even if she's a little b*tchy sometimes ^-^ lol Plus she was there when I had no one else and we understood eachother enough to know when space was needed or not.

Hilary
She's another best friend of mine and she's the sweetest person I know by far. I love her to death and she's funny when you least expect it. A group of us will be chatting and joking and she'll come in from the sidelines adding some minor sentence and that one sentence will have the entire group gasping for air. :D

Abby
She is yet another one of my besties, she understands me 99.9% and we get along so flawlessly. I don't think we've ever argued, we like the same things and she takes me with my flaws (some of which are the reasons she love me ^-^ I couldn't imagine the world without any of these three lovely ladies and I would die for/without them.

What my clothes say about me

2009-09-18T19:35:00.001-07:00

My fashion sense is limited to black t-shirts, jeans, and an assortment of converse and VANS shoes. I like simple and comfortable and I've just preferred the color black since the 9th grade. I love t-shirts with funny inscriptions on them. I have one that says McLovin (ha ha) and another that says "Trust Me, I'm a Doctor (ha ha as well)". What does that say about me? I hope it sends the message that I am a laid back girl with a sense of humor. That would sum up a part of my personality. It's says I'm NOT high maintenance, I can take a joke (even if it's a little inappropriate, and I'm totally approachable (friend-wise or otherwise). I'd like that to be my message.

I spin til i fall sometimes too

2009-05-30T14:36:00.001-07:00

Ain't nothing like dancing til u can't move anymore

Bang your head

I like to listen to my MP3 player as loud as possible and dance like no one's watching (very badly in other words: head banging, etc) in my room then

when i am absolutely exhausted i lie down on the floor and listen to mellow music until i have the energy to jump around again. I usually don't ( ha ha) i just jump in the shower and then jump into bed

This is an untitled poem from the book "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" by Steven Chbosky

2009-04-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

I enjoy this poem because I feel it shines a light on the slow and sad fading of childhood bliss.
Although the main character of this poem does not cope well with the inevitable changes that occur between childhood and adulthood, I can easily relate with him and I think many other people can as well.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed alot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father tucked him in bed at night
And he was always there to do it
Once on a white piece of paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he worte a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself and A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen.

Three overplayed songs I love anyway

2009-03-26T20:06:00.001-07:00

You know you should hate the song by now, but you just can't!

Gives You Hell by All American Rejects

It pretty much says F U to your X which is always worth a smile :)

Finally Home by Mercy Me

It is such a touching song and it refers to God as a father. I love the way the singer mentions being worried about whether or not he's made his Father proud with his life. Plus the singer has a lovely voice and i love to sing along while butchering any high notes in the song :) It plays every single time i turn on the christian station on my radio.

Heartless by Kanye West

It's catchy and i like the music video. I like the way Kanye's voice is distorted and the patterns of words are well put together. I just like it. It's weird to explain. You just have to listen to it.

My road-trip mix tape

2009-03-26T19:04:00.001-07:00

Tunes that touch the soul or inspire screams!

Asleep by The Smiths

It's mellow and reminiscent which is perfect when you're out on the open road when you're in a pensive mood.

First to Last by Note to Self

It's good to keep you awake (scremo) and it has a catchy chorus

Caring is Creepy by The Shins

It's perfect because I know out of the three people I would DEFINITELY road trip with, two of them would absolutley enjoy the song right along with me and memories and stories would be brought back up. We'd chat it up and I'd love every minute of every memory we reawaken together.

Please don't make me...

2009-03-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

I can't speak in front of a crowd!!

I used to be able to speak in public when I was younger but for some reason over the years it's become more and more terrifying for me. It gets pretty bad for me. My hands shake, my vision blurs, I get light headed, my mind blanks, my face turns absolutely RED, I am very tempted to cry, my throat gets dry so I usually choke on a word or two. I usually refuse to speak publicly even if it means loosing an important grade. I would rather ruin my GPA than speak publicly. I just absolutely HATE IT!

Seat me next to the quiet starer, please

2009-03-26T18:37:00.001-07:00

Talkative jerk or quiet starer?

Silence is golden and I can always ask them what's the big idea with the staring. Plus I hate being put in a situation where i have to feign interest. And i am too polite (most of the time) to tell them to shut their face holes when the talking has no end in sight

Food being sprayed in my direction = fond memories

2009-03-26T18:34:00.001-07:00

I was once dumped (in around the 5th grade) by my "first love" (I was young and lacking a fully developed brain ok?) He didn't really let me know at first that we were no longer an item, he just started flirting with other girls (in front of me) (fun) When i tried to confront him about it he yelled some nonsense at me with his mouth full of food. I still don't know what he said. Either way, it didn't exactly boost my confidence.

My bucket list starts with: Jump from a non-lethal bridge into a body of water

2009-03-26T18:24:00.001-07:00

Jump from a non-lethal bridge into a body of water
Because it's amazing and fun. Jumping and falling through the air, almost flying and then landing safely into cool, refreshing water? That sounds pretty nifty to me.

Laugh and Cry at the same time!
Because it's baffling and confusing and hilarious at the same time! I did it once and I actually entertained myself. Eventually I stopped crying 'cause I couldn't stop laughing. Ha ha ha, ok...i admit it's pretty weird.

Play with someone's hair
It's the funest thing in the world to mess with someone's doo and have them react as though you just set their hair on fire when they finally see the results.

Learn to cartwheel
It's recreational AND a skill. Ha ha ha. Plus the first time you try it it sends your world topsy turvy for a sec which is lovely and, for me (for some reason) unexpected. Although i just ruined the surprise for whoever reads this so it's no longer unexpected. Sorry :)

Learn to do something with your hands
it makes you feel accomplished and whenever you use or wear what ever you made you remember that "That's right, I made this AND it still works/ looks great" :) Causing warm and fuzzy feelings inside (or for guys Manly Man Pride on the inside) (rhymes!)

Zombies?! Run for the Hills!!

2009-03-26T18:05:00.001-07:00

After a brief panic attack I'd probably run dramatically in the opposite direction, trip theatrically, and then hold my hands in front of my face as i scream hysterically mid-feeding frenzy. You know, the text book stuff :)

this is why you shouldn't break into people's houses even if noone's home!

2009-03-12T19:18:00.001-07:00

I got this scar when I was 11 years old (around there) while trying to break into a house that was for sale. I just needed to unlock the deadbolt and I'd be in my new 'club house' and i reached into the broken window. I was with my cousin (who is very hyper) and she reached in at the same time. When i pulled my arm out I didn't realize one of the jagged edges cut my arm deeply until i felt the BLOOD DRIPPING DOWN MY ARM(i reacted with a blood curdling scream)

Oozing 3/365 by bensonkua

I have this scar on my left arm that's about two inches long going down my arm and 1/4 inch wide. It looks like a stiched up smile or catepillar, you can even see faint dots where the stitches entered my arm.

Me: in so many words

2009-03-12T18:59:00.001-07:00

My personality's name would have to be Talks Too Loud Head In The Clouds Marie

ha ha ha

Howard Park made magical with family and friends

2009-03-12T18:05:00.001-07:00

The best place in the world. The skies are breath taking, it's murderously hot (that's a positive thing), and life is just altogether better down there

I can't write lyrics but i can tell you i've spent the happiest moments of my life on that beach with the people i love the most in the world. Plus i jumped from the bridge into the water which was a rush i couldn't reenact in any other place. Especially since i live in the state of NY which means snow 10 months out of the year. The best thing about this beach is how close it is to my aunt's house. My aunt and her two daughters and son (my cousins) (also some of the people i love the most in the world) would go to the beach whenever i visited florida during summer break and on my last day we'd watch the sun set with friends. It was beautiful and absolutely memorable.

Getting Personal

2009-03-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

If I had to be absolutely serious and if I had to get really personal I'd talk about my past troubles with self mutilation. From the ninth grade until about almost a year ago I used to have a problem with cutting myself. I guess I had the usual symptoms; absolutely negative self image, I was alone often, my family was and is broken up (has been since I was nine). I first started cutting because I thought I deserved it. I had this idea ( i don't know where I got it from) that I deserved to be punished because my grades should be better or I should be thinner or because I made a simple mistake. I didn't think of it as anything big then, just an affective release aimed towards myself. Then things turned sour. I was alone more often, my brother found friends so I

was alone almost all the time. My dad wasn't much of a help. He would break promises and stood me up often. Since my mom hit me, I thought my dad was all I had. So when he neglected me it hurt a lot more than any of my family could understand. I felt lack luster. I would stay in my room and watch TV for hours and that was life. School TV and occasionally food. I moved my cutting from my upper arm to my forearm. That was a big deal to me since I was paranoid about cutting above any critical veins before then. I attempted suicide about 4 or 5 times, it seemed like a morbid joke. "Wow I can't even do this right!" I thought. Eventually my mom noticed the scars and she felt my moving to Florida would help me. It did help alot. I made friends with my cousins and found that they were the best friends a girl could have. They understood my morbid sense of humor and I loved the people they were and are. I couldn't stay for long, I let my dad guilt trip me into coming back to rochester. I was sick and tired of crying over the phone with him, so i caved. I moved back and my prior lonliness was magnified tenfold after I had realized what true friendship was in Florida. Eventually I found help. I went to the doctor's for a physical and they noticed my cuts and scars. The nurse asked me how my arm ended up the way it did. I confessed.

By that point my cutting was more a feeble cry for help than anything else. No one heard my cries or understood that I was crying for help so I was forced to speak up. In short: I saw a counselor, reconnected with God (I'm a Christian) and mainly: He was my solution. I didn't need to depend on other people to be happy. I could handle being alone bacause the grace of God filled the gaping hole in my life. By now that phrase is probably a cliche, but that is the best way I can explain it. I was numb and empty and with God I found life beautiful and I was happy just to be. I am proud to say it's been a year since the last time I've tried to hurt my self. Thank You God. Thanks should also go to my aunts in Florida for putting up with me for an entire year and to my cousins for brightening my life in their own special way.